193

Pag. 193

CHAN TO CHAN

The backbreaking work at the construction site took up my days, and kept me from thinking too much about my failures while the sun was up. Nighttimes, though, were still long and painful. I thought of what I’d left behind in Hong Kong, and I thought of Oh Chang and her kindness. I thought about the promise that my life had once held. Even after my hours of hard labor, it was difficult to sleep. Rather than lie awake, turning in bed, I took a second job, working as a kitchen assistant in a local Chinese restaurant. I didn’t know how to cook, despite my dad’s talent, but I knew how to chop vegetables, and restaurants always needed a strong back around. My life turned into a never-ending whirl of work, exhausted sleep, and more work. I stopped thinking about my troubles. I stopped thinking at all.

My father was happy that I was at least staying out of trouble. My mother, on the other hand, knew that something was wrong.

After I’d spent several months at this breakneck schedule, Mom confronted me, late at night, as I walked in from my second job.

“Jackie,” —even Mom had taken to calling me by my adopted name now—“it is nice to have you here with us.  We’re happy, but I think you aren’t happy.”

I sat down in a chair and lay my head back on the headrest. “I’m happy,” I said, without much conviction.

She came over and put her hand on my shoulder. “Jackie, I am your mother. I know you better than you know yourself, and even if your father is willing to look the other way when you lie to him, I cannot. I know this is not what you should be doing with your life.”

“What can I do?” I shouted, sudden feelings of bitterness welling up in my heart. “I spent my entire life learning a useless profession. I’ve got nothing left.”

My mother hugged me and reassured me that I had much more than I thought. I had the love and faith of my parents, I had my health, and I had my youth. “Remember, Jackie, you came to us the Year of the Horse,” she said. “You were born to be a great man, and you will go on to do great thing. But you can’t do them here. This is not where you belong.